Fly me to the moon

God's sacrificial love makes Himself suffers.

Isn't it trivial?

No. I do not understand God's love in Calvary, and I do not understand how He suffers fully.

It's not only the whip and the nails that hurt Jesus, nor the humiliation. Those are only what we can see. It hurts God when we love Him less than He does. It also hurts Him when we do not undertand His love for us.

I can never understand the love on the cross completely. Not a chance. Not even close.

I can understand His love in a certain tiny magnitude, but never be able to understand His passion in full.. Like a 5 years old son has no way to understand how his parents loves him. I can only imagine a bit in the difference between the magnitudes of God's love and human love. We human may sometime understand this difference a bit when we have loved someone more than us in our lives, like becoming a parent. Then, we experience the longing for the return of love that makes us suffer, namely, the root word for "passion". We can only love others, stop hurting others, but we cannot make others loves us or stop them hurting us.

And why God has to suffer? There is no reason and no need for Him to suffer. Plus, suffer for the stupid human race who ruined themselves?! That is the propitiation (Romans 3:25, Heb 9:5) He displayed publicly. "ilasthrion" (Greek, hilasterion) means "the seat of mercy". God does not give us what we deserve by His sovereign power and His will.

The gap between God's love and human love is never filled. Human love is like the distance you travel to work... maybe 1 hour of drive? Then think about the distance of taking a plane to travel to another city, maybe 20 hours of flight? That already makes me very impatience. How about travelling to the moon, I don't know how many days does it take. To the end of our solar system? To the belt of Orion? To the edge of the universe? How many light years do we take to go there. God's love displayed in Calvary is far more than that... Makes me remember my favourite hymn based on the Jewish poem Haddamut :

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

In the mist of loving sacrificially in our human relationships, we may understand and experience a tiny bit of how God love us. Also, we have chances to exercise hope, kindness, gentleness, patience, self-control, humility, consideration, and understanding, forgiveness.

Snowflake

Flames in our palms spark
Snowflake in my heart
Moonlight peace flickers
Dawn in Tetra-March.

Wealth

I've been to places. There are a few places that left some intensive emotions in my heart, namely, Thailand, Cambodia, Indonesia and India.. What is the common thing of these countries? Some families there earn US$0.50 for a day only and it's not even enough for survival. It reminds me of my childhood when I stayed in an SS area (slum + scum). Areas full of exposed drains emitting strong smells, with rats which is bigger than cats, the "four poisons": prostitution, gambling, drinking, drugs(嫖赌飲吹), you name it. If God wants to destruct cities again like Sodom, I was in one of these.

These thoughts just cannot get out of my mine. I am not in such poor situation anymore but why are we depriving them. Are we? I thought of it when I went to a coffee shop auntie and hand over eighty cents for a coffee. I thought of it when I look at the leftover junk after I finished a McDonald's meal. I thought of it during the burning of money in the new year fireworks.

Do I make sense here? Are you still with me?

We may think of their poverty is NOT from us. We, so called developed countries, are sucking blood from undeveloped countries. We obtain materials, fuels, labour, from them but paying them peanuts. Sometime, when we are organizing some charity campaigns for these poor countries, I got a feeling of Dracula promoting blood donation.

On the other hand, see what is important in developed countries. Eating duck tongues, pig stomach, fish sauce and maggots are considered as Fear Factor and on the contrast, people are starving in other countries. Children in wealthy country will complain about a glass of water because it has no ice, while other children have to drink water after it's used for shower (or even more disgusting usages). More worse, emotionally children are protected and you cannot hurt their self-esteem by not scolding them, but you know how many children died each day without even living a life like a dog in an advanced country?

Here is some extraction from the song, "on the other side of the world":

我曾在夜裡哭泣 因為愛情已遠離
你也在夜裡哭泣 只是天空很久沒有下雨
我常常向上帝禱告 希望工作愛情 都順利
你默默向上帝禱告 只是希望下一餐 會來的更早

我曾經上街去遊行 抗議政府要給更多福利
而你在槍聲中躲避 戰爭使你顛沛流離
我有幸福的家庭 暑假想去歐洲旅行
而你在廢墟中哭泣 你的爸爸媽媽在哪裡

P.S. I was once in the Big Brother Project in US. My job is to be a good friend to an "abused" child in order to help him. The police was once surrending his home because his father beated him and they beleived this child should be protected and helped "psychologically". Later on, when I met and talked with this "victim" kid, I discovered he was so pissed off and made his father angry. All because of his father did not give him a playstation, and his reason was, he deserved it and it is his father's responsibility of giving him that.

Bacon and Egg Breakfast

About commitment talked earlier, here is a story about it quoted by our TL in BSF earlier on.


A pig and a chicken were out for a walk one day when they happened across a very sad-looking group of human beings. “Gee,” said the pig, “I wonder what’s wrong with them?” “I don’t know,” said the chicken. “But I wonder if they might be hungry. Let’s cheer them up! Let’s make them a bacon and egg breakfast!”

The pig paused for a moment. “Hey,” he said. “I’m not so sure I like that idea. For you it’s a contribution, but for me it’s a big commitment!”

寧赴湘流

生命不外乎:疼愛別人,被人疼愛,傷害別人,被人傷害.我們只能盡力去疼愛別人,不傷害人.但沒有能力去令別人疼愛你自己,或防止別人傷害你.

我明白 神對我們無私的愛.
我明白自私的最終結果是不會快樂.
我明白世界需要多一點付出,關懷,溫暖,愛心,為對方著想....

但有時真的覺得,自私的人會比較快樂.
他們不用為他人想那麼多,
他們不渴求與人深交,
孤獨並不是一個顯露的問題.
對感情不用負責.隨意而行.
他們生活在自己的世界,需然虛幻,卻有短暫的滿足.

屈原既放，游於江潭，行吟澤畔，顏色憔悴，形容枯槁。漁父見而問之曰：「子非三閭大夫與？何故至於斯？」屈原曰：「舉世皆濁我獨清，眾人皆醉我獨醒，是以見放。」漁父曰：「聖人不凝滯於物，而能與世推移。世人皆濁，何不淈其泥而揚其波？眾人皆醉，何不餔其糟而歠其醨？何故深思高舉，自令放為？」屈原曰：「吾聞之，新沐者必彈冠，新浴者必振衣。安能以身之察察，受物之汶汶者乎？寧赴湘流，葬於江魚之腹中，安能以皓皓之白，而蒙世俗之塵埃乎！」漁父莞爾而笑，鼓枻而去，乃歌曰：「滄浪之水清兮，可以濯吾纓；滄浪之水濁兮，可以濯吾足。」遂去，不復與言。
(English Translation here)

Actually written in Nov 1999

Children Church Camp 2006!

Here again, once a year, children church camp. The theme of this year is Exodus, yeah.. slave driving. Here are some photos of the camp. (Some more here, and here)
This year is quite tough, because the room has no air con. The heat and the noise (aircon room is more 'sealed' and quiet) made it very difficult to control the kids.. I guess my temper was being pushed to the limit. However of course, there were a lot of sweet moments, like little Emma went to uncle Stanley and said "I love you".

The camp actually let me experience how the israelites irritated Moses, hence... irritated God. How God was faithful and patience towards His people and took care of them. God is just so so extraordinary.

However, the conclusion is, let me know, how I irritated God. More accurately, offended God. Moreover, how good is God to me and the real meaning of "God is faithful and long suffered".

Thank you, Mr. God.

Out of the Blue.... Yet?

I was in quite a deep depression the whole week. Every morning woke up by bad dreams. Even woke up by my own crying once.

Nothing/noone was able to cheer me. I was pulling some of my friends' legs by dragging them when they were caring about me. Adding onto me, I felt more guilty. Apologize to them.

It went on for the week, probably because of my work. Stacked up stresses plus my dean told me that although my teaching is excellent (he did use that word) but my research is not good enough. There IS some distance between my current research and their expectation. Unless I did some significant improvement, otherwise in two years time, I will lose my job. Yes, they don't care about teaching. This is the sad thing about universities, they are ranked highly ONLY because of research, nothing deal with teachings. Noone cares about teaching. So far if the teachers do not do crazy mistakes or do not strip in front of your own class, they can just stand there and read the books to students... to teach.

Deep deep blue is affecting me. Of course the same old questions are appearing again, "what am I doing here", "am I doing the right thing for God"...

Well, I am a sinner who needs help.

Stresses from ministries are also piling up. Fortunately BSF is ending. However, sunday school teachers have to go for a retreat this weekend. Bring my both emotionally and physically drained body, i didn't expect much in the retreat except please don't die here.

God is good. The retreat revived me, from death.

First, the speakers and games are really reviving me. My mood was uncontrollably returning to normal at the night when i was in the BSF DL fellowship.

The last day of the retreat, our pastor came with his weary body from Malaysia.

The sermon was good, it was about Abimelech in the book of Judges 9 in the Bible. How he decieve the people by imposing insecurity onto them. We are also affected by the world and told that we are finacially, emotionally, physically, whatever-ly insecure. So we need all those financial planning, slimming plan, etc to secure our positions. Pastor Chris helped me by pointing out a very important point: All these made us to forget God. This wicked Abimelech even killed his 70 brothers. However, one of them, Jotham, escaped (to Beer! what a nice place) and finally woke up the people about remembering God.

I do remember God, but didn't realize the world is telling me to forget Him, to forget that He can provide. It's a battle here.

I do forget partially in this modern days of Judges. Pray that God will remind and help me. Thank God for answering my prayer for encouragement through forcing me to go for the retreat.

Well, another week is coming, see if I will forget God again...

Abimelech means "my father is king" vs Jotham means "God is perfect". Isn't it asking about if your king is on earth or trust in God's perfect?

The Man's Ribs

Here is the recipes for the sweet and sour ribs. For 1 lb. of ribs add

• 1 soup spoon of Chinese white wine
• 2 soup spoons of Chinese black vinegar (鎭江醋)
• 3 soup spoons of dark/old soy sauce (老抽)
• 4 soup spoons of sugar
  

Just put everything in and cook for 20 min.

Yes, it's that easy.

P.S. For those who wonder about the title, it's Gen 2:21.

Deception

I watched an interesting video clip online. It was a short talk between David Zinczenko editor-in-chief of Men's health magazine and Kate White, editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan. David did a research of what men look for in a women and here is the list, in the order of importance:

1. Faithfulness
2. Intelligence
3. Beauty
4. Honesty
5. Good in bed

On the contrast, this is the research of what women think men look for in women:

1. Beauty
2. Confidence
3. Good in bed
4. Allure
5. faithfulness & honesty

The first reaction of Kate was questioning the results from guys were only that "they just said what they were supposed to say", my interpretation is of her hidden word is... "hypocritical".

Guys, what say you?

The host said, "If you are 25, you may want a 'hot chick', but if you are 35, you really realize what is important." Guys are not that dumb... although there are some....

I would say a lot of young guys may really go for looks. Mature guys don't.

According to David,

• %90 of men rate having wives as soulmate over amazing sex.
• %72 honesty > looks

David said, "no use to have a beautiful orchid if always worrying someone is picking it up"

• %60 beautiful face > beautiful body

Kate immediate protested that guys look for "curves". (That's why so many slimming program out there for women.) However, David said, "it's not the face, it's the eyes." I totally agree, the eyes of a woman reflects herself. Not only physically, but also their emotion, inner self. You can tell a lot from the eyes if a person is living in fear, ignorance, or wise, kind, etc. from the eyes.

Interestingly, Kate insisted in thoughts like, "guys like beauty", and also like women to be "allure", "mystery", and "excitement of women which surprise guys everyday".

I think she is not reflecting the reality, she is trying to change the reality.

For the first second, yes, a beautiful woman will catch a guy's sight, but for not more than 5 min, i.e., not for the life long time as a wife. "Beauty is fleeting"

For one night stand, maybe "allure" and "mystery" hook guys, but you cannot be mysterious for a life long commitment.

Excitement everyday? First, how can that be possible?! Even so, the guy may die from a heart attack one day. Excitement only excites people when it gets heavier and heavier.

Yes, for ignorant guys, they look for appearance. For mature guys, let's get real.

I used to serve in youth ministries and I told the youth. "How you attract is what you get." You dress as half-naked, you attract lusty guys. You talk wisely, you attract mature guys. As Christians, you live your daily life with a good relationship with God, you attract godly men. This is a matter of choice, you cannot attract a guy who got everything good things. There were a saying,

If a guy is handsome, usually he is a playboy.
If a guy is rich, usually he is not faithful.
If a guy is nice, usually he is already married.
If a guy is handsome, rich, and nice, but he is also faithful, not a playboy and not married....

.... probably he is gay.

Ladies, please wake up, don't read Cosmopolitan (or whatsoever magazines) anymore. Guys likewise, stop reading those magazines that give you a false image of the other sex and make you more dumb.

P.S. A final word... guys or girls, we usually don't want to grow up. So we stay at the stage of fantasy. That's why the commercials are so 'fantastic'. Wake up! You are living in a real world.
P.P.S. That is why I always sigh and quote two old Chinese verses:

1. 千里馬常有，而伯樂不常有
2. 路遙知馬力，日久見人心

(Interestingly they are all about horses.)

P.P.S What is your list?

Some Random Tests

Here are some test results from a site I got from my sister. Are they true?

You Are Cyclops

Dedicated and responsible, you will always remain loyal to your cause. You are a commanding leader - after all, you can kill someone just by looking at them. Power: force beams from your eyes

Which of the X-Men Are You?

You Are 10% Boyish and 90% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine. You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you. A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down. But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Ebenezer

"不思量。自難忘。...塵滿面，鬢如霜。夜來幽夢忽還鄉。...明月夜，短松岡。"

Time flies, I have left Hong Kong for ten years, remembering the flight at that time was on 19 Aug 1996. At that time, I still remember that I cried at the Seattle airport like a baby when I called home. I really did say "I wanted to go home NOW" when waiting for the connection to Illinois. Still remember that when my flight landed at Urbana-Champaign, I was shocked by the emptiness of the place. Namely, within 100 miles of surrounding, it was pitch dark (10pm) and I did not see any light or buildings. Strong fear creeped me in such a deserted place. "How many months does it take for them to discover my corpse if I died?" I wondered. Thoughts are always about if I had made a wrong decision to leave HK.

"今天我寒夜里看雪飄過
懷著冷卻了的心窩飄遠方
風雨里追趕霧里分不清影蹤
天空海闊你與我可會變(誰沒在變)
多少次迎著冷眼與嘲笑
從沒有放棄過心中的理想
一剎那恍惚若有所失的感覺
不知不覺已變淡心里愛(誰明白我)" 海闊天空 Beyond.

So many times I sat by the windows (I don't mean MS Windows), watching the snowflakes falling with a hot ... not chocolate, usually noodles or my self-cook mono meal, wondering what am I doing here. Sometime with tears, and later learned to have silly smile by myself.

"從前傻頭小子　現已大個更深近視
但已練成能往心內奔馳
而旁人仍不歡　罵我自滿以心做伴
但我任人胡說　只是旁觀"

Ebenezer, "Hitherto hath the LORD helped us".

Thank God for all the providence and love, guidance and discipline, protection and giving me a lot of loving friends. The changes and molding for my personality are totally different if I stayed in Hong Kong.

Well, I don't know how well I have been doing for these ten years. I hope I won't break down.

After ten years in Moab, Ruth and Naomi went back to Israel when all the husbands died. (Ruth 1:4)
After ten years in Canaan, Abram could not wait anymore and took Hagar to have Ishmael. (Gen 16:3)

What is the goal for the next ten years?

Birthday Resolutions

1. Give thanks to God more, complain less
2. Praise God's goodness more, request less
3. Serve more, idle less
4. Care more, anger less
5. Think + feel more, yield less
6. Others more, self less
7. Trust more, worry less
   

Mathematical Genealogy

My ancestors:

Joseph Louis Lagrange

(1736 – 1813)

Jean-Baptiste Joseph Fourier

(1768 – 1830)

Gustav Peter Lejeune Dirichlet

(1805 – 1859)

C. Felix (Christian) Klein

(1849 – 1925)

Philipp Furtwängler

(1869 – 1940)

Nikolaus Hofreiter

Edmund Hlawka

Hermann August Maurer

Herbert Edelsbrunner

ME!

By the Mathematics Genealogy Project

Perfectionist

In my class (not in my university, but in my sunday school), we have this 4 year old kid who is very smart and nice (he probably knows more bible than some adult christians today). Last Sunday, we colored some pictures and he did it wrongly. So my partner told him that it doesn't matter but he insisted to correct it. So we gave him a new sheet and let him redo it again. However, time is up and we let him to take home to finish.

However, he cried when he came out of the classroom! He said that he had to do homework at home... Luckily we spotted it and also explained to his parents why he cried... aiyo... no sweat. Otherwise we don't know how his parents would have think that we bullied him...

Well, it's always a big question if we have to do our best, or not our best.. In life, sometime we stressed ourselves too much, and sometime we feel guilty of not giving our best.

God helps us please.

Too Sharp

Yesterday, we went to JB , Malaysia for a day trip. Well, the ladies went for shopping, me and another guy got nothing to do and wondered in the shopping mall. Finally we sat down and had a good guy talk.

He is older than me, and definitely wiser. We talked a lot, especially about my "non-existing" relationship. We got the conclusion that I am too sharp to communicate, maybe that's the failure of my relationship with other girl..., including my sister. I am too sharp to spot problems, too sharp to speak, too sharp to word exact meaning. It's so hard for others to talk with me... Although I tried my best to word my sentence gently.. but the fact is still revealing and the truth is still hurting. I guess it's because my profession trains me well in giving proofs and arguement, maybe I am like Paul.

I just hope to build a Christian family that bases on God's Words and guidance. It does not mean there is no love element. I strongly believe that love is built on truth. If there is no truth, then we are not sinning and Jesus' sacrifice is worthless, thus, His love is nothing.. We are loved because He is willing to choose 'love', without trading off truth. So Jesus had to do in the hard way, dying with humiliation that He didn't deserve. Well I guess we try to get around with it for the easy way. When the truth is not revealed, there is nothing to change and nothing wrong...

Then how to be loving upon truth depends on wisdom, I will say divine wisdom. Anyway, it's too far for me to say these now.

However, in Proverbs, it says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." I guess people just don't like the heat and conflicts that hurt. However, I cannot stand myself to be rusty and blunt. I guess that is where sin comes from. When Abraham was blur and had a son with Hagar by Sarah's suggestion, also you can name so many examples in the Bible when we do not remind each other because of fear and cause problems.

Jesus told us to remove the plank of our own eyes first, but He did told us to remove the speck of sawdust from our brother at last. I guess accusing others of 'judging' is abused sometime. Yes, we should not judge others, but we should remind each other to live a godly lives. We are responsible for others as well.

"The spiritual man makes judgments about all things."

Shower Diagnosis

I usually do many things together in my shower in the morning, such as brushing teeth. I can tell my mind is not in condition when I...

1. Put bathing soap onto my head as shampoo
2. Squeeze conditioner onto my tooth brush
3. Scratch the tooth brush onto my face and discovered that it is not the shaver
   
4. Come out drying my hair and discover that I haven't washed away the conditioner

Usually I am out of my mind or really burdened with some thoughts if those happen.

5am

Dad came to Singapore to visit me, under the Queen's command to take care of me. This morning, he was going back to Hong Kong and I sent him onto a taxi at 5am, and all is still dark. I really missed him and stand there for about 5 min after he got on the taxi and left. Remind me of "背影".

Everything is still dark.

Shall We Love?

What do you mean by "falling in love"? A romantic exchange of eye sights? Passionate hugs (usually the next scene is on the bed in movies)? A heartily conversation?

Sigh... nowadays all about love is "making myself happy". When someone says "I love this!", it means he 'likes' it. We are abusing the word 'love'. Even in worship, when is the time you think you gave the best worship? Some Christians will say "when I am totally immersed into the atmosphere and tear because I feel the love of God and His presence is so near me."

Sigh..., self feeling again.

Well... it is not wrong to feel God's presence, enjoy His majesty and touched by His love. However, that is only the primitive beginning, worshipping is giving God what He deserve ...

"Have you ever been driven to do something for God not because you felt that it was useful or your duty to do so, or that there was anything in it for you, but simply because you love Him? Have you ever realized that you can give things to God that are of value to Him? Or are you just sitting around daydreaming about the greatness of His redemption, while neglecting all the things you could be doing for Him?"

"If what we call love doesn’t take us beyond ourselves, it is not really love. If we have the idea that love is characterized as cautious, wise, sensible, shrewd, and never taken to extremes, we have missed the true meaning. This may describe affection and it may bring us a warm feeling, but it is not a true and accurate description of love. " - Oswald Chamers. (My Ulmost Highest)

I call "love is ignorant" if we do not excercise God's given Spirit of Truth, and "love is shallow" if we do not give anything that hurts us.

BTW, according to the Bible, actually we cannot call the above 'love', Paul said:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. " 1 Cor. 4-7

Being "patient" is when someone pissed you off again and again and again , and again (7 x 77 times) but you still undertand. Being kind is givng others what they do not deserve and you actually do not have to give at all. Love DOES NOT delight in ANY evil but rejoices with ALL truth. I think I am not adding new things into the Bible, but the existential descriptors (as a mathematician's bad habit) remind us that love does not come with homosexuality or premartial sex. Anyway, I guess we already cannot call ourselves loving at this point already...

Love without obeying God is lust. Sins strip us off from God's glory.

The world is fallen, really.

Rubbish I

Snowflakes fly, snowflakes float,
Drifting while the wind blows.
Where to land? Where to go?
We cannot tell and nobody knows.

Fall on grasses, fall on a window.
But will not last until tomorrow.
Hopefully dirty floor is not the goal,
Being trampled and melted in sorrow.

Snowflakes with you, snowflakes with me.
A warm company like honey and bees.
They come, they leave.
I cannot keep them but only can see.

Sometime I wonder in my bed,
Especially when I'm lonely and sad,
"When will a snowflake fall on my head?"
Maybe I should ask my meow meow cat,

Pride and Prejudices

Such a nice movie, I was attracted by it from the beginning all the way to the end. (I am talking about the 2005 version.) The movie is no doubt well made.

I was especially amazed by the English. So thoughtful, even it's arguing, apologising, or being angry. Of course Elizabeth in the movie is so ... I called her "elegantly sharp". It shows that our comtempory conversation is so empty and without thinking, non-edifying and self-centered, dont' even mention about manner and being a gentleman..

"I know, I mean I thought a "gentleman" was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible. " From Blast from the Past