Peace in my heart, ... but from where?

There are times in our lives that we are not confused nor troubled. We experienced peace and we are contented. However, I read this today when I am doing my QT. Quoted from Oswald Chambers in his My Utmost for his highest:

"There are times in our lives when our peace is based simply on our own ignorance. But when we are awakened to the realities of life, true inner peace is impossible unless it is received from Jesus."

How true it is that sometime we are just ignorant and treat it as the peace Jesus gave. Just because we are lazy, or not striving forward, we do not want to deal with our own problems and weakness so we ignore them. Being idle (in mind or in action) is not a sin (..I guess), but sometime it is a symptom of some hidden sins, most likely laziness, or being lukewarm towards God. Of course, the peace is disturbed when others rebuke us.

Especially ignorance of our own sins, I guess it is the most common mistakes we made. We know that God has mercies. However, every sin has its consequences no matter how small, or how unrelated to others, or how hidden it is. Did you leak out a secret to others without someone's permission? Did you sit in front of the computer and surf on some websites you shouldn't read? Did you speak of someone else without respecting him/her and the truth, i.e. gossiping? Of course we have our Jesus to pay for our price, but usually people just skip the seriousness of sins and then ignore the sin. Paul said,

"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?" Romans 6:1

Are we doing that? Really, that is a question we usually skipped although we know that we are sinners and we know God paid for the price and we are forgiven. But, are we living a life with sins without repentance and using Jesus's death as a token to pay off our fines? Is our life goals pleasing God, loving God, and glorifying God?

Do we just have the peace that is NOT from Jesus because we ignore our sin, ignore God, ignore God's ultimate purpose on us (We all have the same one, you don't know what this goal is?).

Ebenezer

"不思量。自難忘。...塵滿面，鬢如霜。夜來幽夢忽還鄉。...明月夜，短松岡。"

Time flies, I have left Hong Kong for ten years, remembering the flight at that time was on 19 Aug 1996. At that time, I still remember that I cried at the Seattle airport like a baby when I called home. I really did say "I wanted to go home NOW" when waiting for the connection to Illinois. Still remember that when my flight landed at Urbana-Champaign, I was shocked by the emptiness of the place. Namely, within 100 miles of surrounding, it was pitch dark (10pm) and I did not see any light or buildings. Strong fear creeped me in such a deserted place. "How many months does it take for them to discover my corpse if I died?" I wondered. Thoughts are always about if I had made a wrong decision to leave HK.

"今天我寒夜里看雪飄過
懷著冷卻了的心窩飄遠方
風雨里追趕霧里分不清影蹤
天空海闊你與我可會變(誰沒在變)
多少次迎著冷眼與嘲笑
從沒有放棄過心中的理想
一剎那恍惚若有所失的感覺
不知不覺已變淡心里愛(誰明白我)" 海闊天空 Beyond.

So many times I sat by the windows (I don't mean MS Windows), watching the snowflakes falling with a hot ... not chocolate, usually noodles or my self-cook mono meal, wondering what am I doing here. Sometime with tears, and later learned to have silly smile by myself.

"從前傻頭小子　現已大個更深近視
但已練成能往心內奔馳
而旁人仍不歡　罵我自滿以心做伴
但我任人胡說　只是旁觀"

Ebenezer, "Hitherto hath the LORD helped us".

Thank God for all the providence and love, guidance and discipline, protection and giving me a lot of loving friends. The changes and molding for my personality are totally different if I stayed in Hong Kong.

Well, I don't know how well I have been doing for these ten years. I hope I won't break down.

After ten years in Moab, Ruth and Naomi went back to Israel when all the husbands died. (Ruth 1:4)
After ten years in Canaan, Abram could not wait anymore and took Hagar to have Ishmael. (Gen 16:3)

What is the goal for the next ten years?

Birthday Resolutions

1. Give thanks to God more, complain less
2. Praise God's goodness more, request less
3. Serve more, idle less
4. Care more, anger less
5. Think + feel more, yield less
6. Others more, self less
7. Trust more, worry less
   

Grant Sharing

Last year I shared this song in BSF. (The feed back is, I'd better don't sing)

(In the tune of "Top of the world")

After “intro” I added in my name
The length of waiting list is simply not the same
Waiting for one whole year, and at last I am here
I would better don’t be 3 times absentee.

Such a feelin’s comin’ over me
There is “challenge” in most homework I see
Not a clue in my mind, Got the tears in my eyes
And I won't be surprised if it's a dream

Chorus:
I’m in the discussion answering the “personal” question
I’m the only one who does it I can find
And my DL’ve also found, he winks at me round and round
So I look down and ignore the whole world

First year is hard enough that I find
Until the ‘minor prophets’ make me change my mind
One question will be “skim chap 1 to 43”
So I became a DL and hope it’s more easy

Everything I want my group to be
Is that they are nice and they don’t bully me
And my prayer is clear, and I find God does hear
My members are the cutest ones that I’ve seen

Chorus:
I’m in the discussion group asking, for A.S.K. questions
And the prayer answers we can find
God’s so good that we’ve found, He is faithful every round
His love’s put us at the top of the world

Mathematical Genealogy

My ancestors:

Joseph Louis Lagrange

(1736 – 1813)

Jean-Baptiste Joseph Fourier

(1768 – 1830)

Gustav Peter Lejeune Dirichlet

(1805 – 1859)

C. Felix (Christian) Klein

(1849 – 1925)

Philipp Furtwängler

(1869 – 1940)

Nikolaus Hofreiter

Edmund Hlawka

Hermann August Maurer

Herbert Edelsbrunner

ME!

By the Mathematics Genealogy Project

Perfectionist

In my class (not in my university, but in my sunday school), we have this 4 year old kid who is very smart and nice (he probably knows more bible than some adult christians today). Last Sunday, we colored some pictures and he did it wrongly. So my partner told him that it doesn't matter but he insisted to correct it. So we gave him a new sheet and let him redo it again. However, time is up and we let him to take home to finish.

However, he cried when he came out of the classroom! He said that he had to do homework at home... Luckily we spotted it and also explained to his parents why he cried... aiyo... no sweat. Otherwise we don't know how his parents would have think that we bullied him...

Well, it's always a big question if we have to do our best, or not our best.. In life, sometime we stressed ourselves too much, and sometime we feel guilty of not giving our best.

God helps us please.

Too Sharp

Yesterday, we went to JB , Malaysia for a day trip. Well, the ladies went for shopping, me and another guy got nothing to do and wondered in the shopping mall. Finally we sat down and had a good guy talk.

He is older than me, and definitely wiser. We talked a lot, especially about my "non-existing" relationship. We got the conclusion that I am too sharp to communicate, maybe that's the failure of my relationship with other girl..., including my sister. I am too sharp to spot problems, too sharp to speak, too sharp to word exact meaning. It's so hard for others to talk with me... Although I tried my best to word my sentence gently.. but the fact is still revealing and the truth is still hurting. I guess it's because my profession trains me well in giving proofs and arguement, maybe I am like Paul.

I just hope to build a Christian family that bases on God's Words and guidance. It does not mean there is no love element. I strongly believe that love is built on truth. If there is no truth, then we are not sinning and Jesus' sacrifice is worthless, thus, His love is nothing.. We are loved because He is willing to choose 'love', without trading off truth. So Jesus had to do in the hard way, dying with humiliation that He didn't deserve. Well I guess we try to get around with it for the easy way. When the truth is not revealed, there is nothing to change and nothing wrong...

Then how to be loving upon truth depends on wisdom, I will say divine wisdom. Anyway, it's too far for me to say these now.

However, in Proverbs, it says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." I guess people just don't like the heat and conflicts that hurt. However, I cannot stand myself to be rusty and blunt. I guess that is where sin comes from. When Abraham was blur and had a son with Hagar by Sarah's suggestion, also you can name so many examples in the Bible when we do not remind each other because of fear and cause problems.

Jesus told us to remove the plank of our own eyes first, but He did told us to remove the speck of sawdust from our brother at last. I guess accusing others of 'judging' is abused sometime. Yes, we should not judge others, but we should remind each other to live a godly lives. We are responsible for others as well.

"The spiritual man makes judgments about all things."

Shower Diagnosis

I usually do many things together in my shower in the morning, such as brushing teeth. I can tell my mind is not in condition when I...

1. Put bathing soap onto my head as shampoo
2. Squeeze conditioner onto my tooth brush
3. Scratch the tooth brush onto my face and discovered that it is not the shaver
   
4. Come out drying my hair and discover that I haven't washed away the conditioner

Usually I am out of my mind or really burdened with some thoughts if those happen.

5am

Dad came to Singapore to visit me, under the Queen's command to take care of me. This morning, he was going back to Hong Kong and I sent him onto a taxi at 5am, and all is still dark. I really missed him and stand there for about 5 min after he got on the taxi and left. Remind me of "背影".

Everything is still dark.

Shall We Love?

What do you mean by "falling in love"? A romantic exchange of eye sights? Passionate hugs (usually the next scene is on the bed in movies)? A heartily conversation?

Sigh... nowadays all about love is "making myself happy". When someone says "I love this!", it means he 'likes' it. We are abusing the word 'love'. Even in worship, when is the time you think you gave the best worship? Some Christians will say "when I am totally immersed into the atmosphere and tear because I feel the love of God and His presence is so near me."

Sigh..., self feeling again.

Well... it is not wrong to feel God's presence, enjoy His majesty and touched by His love. However, that is only the primitive beginning, worshipping is giving God what He deserve ...

"Have you ever been driven to do something for God not because you felt that it was useful or your duty to do so, or that there was anything in it for you, but simply because you love Him? Have you ever realized that you can give things to God that are of value to Him? Or are you just sitting around daydreaming about the greatness of His redemption, while neglecting all the things you could be doing for Him?"

"If what we call love doesn’t take us beyond ourselves, it is not really love. If we have the idea that love is characterized as cautious, wise, sensible, shrewd, and never taken to extremes, we have missed the true meaning. This may describe affection and it may bring us a warm feeling, but it is not a true and accurate description of love. " - Oswald Chamers. (My Ulmost Highest)

I call "love is ignorant" if we do not excercise God's given Spirit of Truth, and "love is shallow" if we do not give anything that hurts us.

BTW, according to the Bible, actually we cannot call the above 'love', Paul said:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. " 1 Cor. 4-7

Being "patient" is when someone pissed you off again and again and again , and again (7 x 77 times) but you still undertand. Being kind is givng others what they do not deserve and you actually do not have to give at all. Love DOES NOT delight in ANY evil but rejoices with ALL truth. I think I am not adding new things into the Bible, but the existential descriptors (as a mathematician's bad habit) remind us that love does not come with homosexuality or premartial sex. Anyway, I guess we already cannot call ourselves loving at this point already...

Love without obeying God is lust. Sins strip us off from God's glory.

The world is fallen, really.

Rubbish I

Snowflakes fly, snowflakes float,
Drifting while the wind blows.
Where to land? Where to go?
We cannot tell and nobody knows.

Fall on grasses, fall on a window.
But will not last until tomorrow.
Hopefully dirty floor is not the goal,
Being trampled and melted in sorrow.

Snowflakes with you, snowflakes with me.
A warm company like honey and bees.
They come, they leave.
I cannot keep them but only can see.

Sometime I wonder in my bed,
Especially when I'm lonely and sad,
"When will a snowflake fall on my head?"
Maybe I should ask my meow meow cat,

Taxi Theology

In Singapore, I love to take taxi because it's so cheap. From the far west end of singapore to the other end in the east, it will only take about S$20. Why should I buy a car?

Well, since I am not local here, the smart taxi drivers realise my accent and sometime they will do something funny. Some of them are quite cunning especially in non-rushing hours, when they do not have many customers. Once, there was one taxi driver who took me a big round with the high way. Finally, the fee was more than %50 more than usual, I felt cheated.

So, sometime I am nervous on a taxi. My emotions on taxi can be.... tensed and stressed, because I need to direct the route. Or sometime it's "pai seh" (Singlish, meaning "shy"or a sense of "shame") since my directions can be very complicated. Of course, the worst feeling will be at getting annoyed when the taxi driver insists to go for the longer way. I will feel cheated and "I will never take your taxi again" (Well it's hard to take his taxi again anyway.)

However, why am I got pissed just because of a few dollars?!?!

When I think about it, actually it's only such a small amount of money (and sometime the longer route maybe faster). I like to study my own emotions usually and I found myself very calculating. Upon reflection, I am so blessed already with all my family, jobs and friends, why should I care about a few dollars.

I guess sometime my life is like that also. Namely, because of some mistakes others made, I will get very annoyed. Although I do not lost my temper, but the 'debt' is pinned in my heart. I will not yell at people, but I will feel uneasy. Normal human responses? However, Jesus taught us,

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

I don't know if I need to keep an account of 77 times of taxi rides, but in my life, better remember our Lord's grace from time to time. We are forgiven, again and again. I know someone may take it as a command that we need to forgive others. However, I guess it's a natural result if we really understand the forgiveness from God and the price paid by Jesus's humiliation and His horrible death. Just want to say, I didn't realize how much He gave when I was a young Christian. Probably I do not understand and appreciate it fully now. But after I realize more, I know Jesus did not just "die and resurrect". He gave all He could give and it DID hurt Him.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." Jim Elliot October 28, 1949

It always reminds me about the movie Babette's Feast, when the servant gave all she could have given. Do I ever give ALL I could give to someone? NEVER. I wish I will have the chance to do that for my future wife and children. Well, I cannot do that now but God did that for my sins. And the question is, am I going to calculate what others have done to me?!?! no matter big or small?

"Love is ... not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs."

So, next time we are on a taxi, remember that we are under the grace system. Upon receiving such grace, our life direction should be totalled re-aligned.

Pride and Prejudices

Such a nice movie, I was attracted by it from the beginning all the way to the end. (I am talking about the 2005 version.) The movie is no doubt well made.

I was especially amazed by the English. So thoughtful, even it's arguing, apologising, or being angry. Of course Elizabeth in the movie is so ... I called her "elegantly sharp". It shows that our comtempory conversation is so empty and without thinking, non-edifying and self-centered, dont' even mention about manner and being a gentleman..

"I know, I mean I thought a "gentleman" was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible. " From Blast from the Past

Trust and Obey
Lyrics: John H. Sammis, Music Daniel B. Towner

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Refrain

A Dreamer

Funny people got funny dreams. Today is the last day of this year. I got a dream again that made me woke up with tears. Those who thought a man cannot be sissy plesae do not continue reading... I woke up at 8am something by an SMS, then slept again, there was when the dream began. I first met a girl who I like in high school long time ago, which surprised me since even I forgot about her totally. Well, but that's not the dream I wanted to talk about.

I met myself as a baby, lying there. Of course I was very cute and adorable. (People said you was adorable when you were young, implies that you will not be adorable when you grow up) I was taking care of myself, feeding myself and carrying myself. I enjoy the cuddle of my own baby on me very much. Interestingly, the baby can talk a little bit so we have a few lovely baby talk.

The thing is, I knew the dream is going to end when it's going to end. Suddenly I burst into tears. Feeling of leaving the dream? Maybe. However, I had this very strong feeling that I messed up my life, and also I am messing it up now. I was so adorable and 'well made', plus God gave me a lot of talents and blessings that I could enjoy. I was wasting those, making mistakes in my life always, being depressed and melancholic. When I woke up, I felt very sorry and I prayed that,

"Lord, I am sorry that I messed up the life you gave me. Please forgive me."

Another thing that I confirmed with this dream is, my nature is a family man. I think I truely enjoy holding a baby of my own with my wife. I hope that God gave me these attitudes and abilities, will not let me down by not giving me a family. I am re-watching the movie Abraham these days. The promise of God and the tracing of it by Abraham is very well done, together with the doubts and attack of the hope from time to time.

In the end, before Abraham led Isaac to the alter, Abraham said, "I will not disappoint my god again. There were times in the past when I believed that he had abandoned me. But, it was I.... who had abandoned him. And I will not disappoint him again."

Nothing so special but just a dream of a dreamer (豬嘜) at the end of the year....

Christmas Isn’t Christmas
lyrics & song: jimmy & carol owens

Christmas Isn’t Christmas
'till it happens in your heart,
Somewhere deep inside you
Is where Christmas really starts;

So give your heart to Jesus,
you'll discover when you do
That it’s Christmas
Really Christmas for you.

Jesus brings warmth like a winter fire,
A light like a candle's glow;
He's waiting now to come inside
As He did so long ago.

Jesus brings gifts of truth and life
And makes them bloom and grow.
So welcome Him with a song of joy
And when He comes you'll know ..... that ...

Christmas Isn’t Christmas
'till it happens in your heart,
Somewhere deep inside you
Is where Christmas really starts;

So give your heart to Jesus,
you'll discover when you do
That it’s Christmas
Really Christmas for you.

About Condemnation

When is the time when two people argue with the most extreme anger?

I will say, when they are emotionally overwhelmed, or, in another word, not base of facts and truth.

If I say that you are such a big fat pig, but actually you are underweight. Will you get angry? Or saying that you are ugly and disgusting, but actually you just won the beauty contest? Will you get angry? Of course not, truth denies false condemnation.

Next time, if you got condemned and you feel pissed, or unhappy and cannot accept it, probably it's because of

1. You do not realize that the condemnation is not true, or
2. The condemnation is true but you cannot accept it.

For us, i.e. Christians, we are condemned by Satan from time to time, or from other people used by Satan. If the first case happens, we'd better understand the truth and realize that it is the only way to set us free... well, how to know the truth? Know Jesus and study the Words. The other case, we are still sinners and what in the earth that we say that we are perfect? We should be glad that if someone rebuke us on something wrong about ourselves. We got our God to guide us and forgive us, if God is with us, who can against us? We should feel sad about our own sins, but we shouldn't be just stopping there. Again, know Jesus and study the Words. Follow our God the Father's will and seek the help of the Holy Spirit. That is the best we can do.

Next time, if you heart is upset by condemnation. Pray for the wisdom to know the truth. If it's really our own faults, pray for forgiveness and repent...

If I Believe in Revolution Theory


Taken from Reveredfun.com

Getting Stucked II

Interestingly, the first article of "Getting Stucked I" got a lot of responses, from comments, emails, msn, etc.... However, most responses asked me who are that 'one girl' that I was talking about... @_@ The main point of that is actually about the acts and my feeling of unfairness, not about who was that girl.. There are a few things I really really hate in my life. In a word, I really hate people who do what 'they see fits' in relationship. (Recently, I got a friend who broke up with his engaged girl friend and already engaged another girl within half a year.)

Although 'courtship' is not a life time commitment as marriage, I still believe there is some commitments ( or game rules, I use the word 'game' doesn't means treating it playfully, I just mean it's some rules like games of soccer, (American) football, tennis, etc. ) In a courtship, I think the rule is that the 'couple' should not consider others at the moment of dating. It sounds simple? See what I saw in real life, even from so called good Christians (or even 'spiritual' leaders)

I saw someone seducing others even he/she got a bf/gf.
I also saw someone seduce others who got bf/gf.
I saw people changing 'targets' six times in a year...
.... or approaching a few in the same time.

These are real stories and not imagination or exaggeration. In this age, loyalty to your bf/gf is a sin. Self interest is the first thing to be satisfied. Who makes me happy or who is better and I will hop on him/her and leave my current one alone, and sorry, I will not consider others' feeling.

Sorry that I don't mean I am a saint in relationships. I was also not doing good in the past. However, at least I consider others' feeling and refrain from doing anything that may hurt others at my very best. I just feel very unfair when I saw those who do not follow 'principles' or guidelines can be merried and married. I just completely feeling stupid for myself. Maybe I should be a jerk.

For those who are already in a relationship, I urge you to keep your mind clean and be kind to your bf/gf, even though the other party is extremely bad to you. Once you are in a relationship, having the thought of someone else maybe better is a poison, and it's not what God will like. Yes, there maybe some others can help you to glorify God more or help in your godiness. But, sorry, you are already in one relationship and thinking about another girl/boy is a betrayal to your current one, even it's JUST a relationship but not marriage. You may really decide to leave your current one, and WAIT for sometime and then go for the one who is 'better'. Changing your date immediately will hurt your old ones in a way that you cannot imagine (And you will not imagine or don't even care because you already WANT the other one) Once you had this kind of betrayal, I guess you may be subconciously afraid of that the same thing will fire back to you. Insecurity will definitely drive you into insane acts, like premarital sex, pre-mature marriage, etc (taken from books, 'intimate allies', '怎可以一生一世')

"In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as he saw fit." Judges 21:25

What is the time, Mr. Wolf?

Last few days, probably was the time I smiled and laughed most in this year. Our church held the children church camp and I was helping in the kindergarten classes. I thought it's easier because for preschoolers, we stayed in a room, doing crafts and singing songs.

I always enjoy my K1 kids, they are just tooooooooo cute. Luckily they were not my own kids or I would spoil them (although I always boast about how I am going to discipline my kids). This year, it's easier in the sense that we were in a room and did not need to run around. However, taking care of kindergarten kids was more difficult because... they could fly, jump, bite, fight, etc... you name it. The most enjoyable moment for me (later I will tell you when is the most enjoyable moment for the kids) was in the park. We enjoyed the nature on the boardwalk and looked for crabs and fishes along the way. At last, we were playing at the beach, and that's my dream of my life of building sand castle with kids, of course it's better if my future wife was there too...

Everything went well during the day with the kids, although my battery light is always blinking and my voice is lost already. All you need to do with kindergarten kids is to love them and encourage them. Praising some kids who behave very well like sitting very quietly will make others all listening to you. After six pm, they went home and did not stay overnight for the camp. I thought my day was over and I just took it easy for the night with my other kids in primary school.. The real stress came when I returned to my dorm, and discovered that two of my kids crying. One holding the cell phone and weeping, the other was crying outside. They were in primary one and it meant that this was the first time they stayed outside of their home.... in their life! Both of them wanted to go home. This was the second night and the first night I already did my best to put them to bed. When the kids wanted to go home, they WANTED to go home. Nothing could distract them. Finally, I let the kids in other room in and used my remaining voice to organised our secret club, 'stop laughing competition', charade, ... etc. until they really had fun and did not want to go home that much. You know what, then in the mist of crazying playing, some kids hit another one in his head and started crying.... and his mood just went down directly and refused to join any activities later on that night. ARRGGGH

Well, what I learned is, maybe I am like that too. Although I am quite contented in my life, there is ONE only thing I want, and I WANT it. Maybe God is telling me that I am like them also.

The highlight for the kids, is the game of 'what time is it, Mr. Wolf?' at the last day. They enjoyed it very much, and especialy when i got a tail (!!!) . The kids said that I am the most impressive wolf and some youth took the picture of me having the tails and hats on... and I think that's it for my life... noone will be interested in me anymore..... *sob* *sob*.

Well, at the end of the day, I still beleive that I will do it again next year.....